


a blade of honey

by bangyababy



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bondage, Bottom Steve Rogers, Bottoming from the Top, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Happy Ending, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Marvel Reverse Big Bang 2019, Praise Kink, Protective Steve Rogers, Restraints, Safe Sane and Consensual, Sex as Therapy, Supportive Steve Rogers, Top Bucky Barnes, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, soft dom steve rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:54:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21996346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bangyababy/pseuds/bangyababy
Summary: Bucky takes a deep breath and before he can lose his nerve, blurts, “I think…I think I’d like it if you tied me up.”Steve’s eyes go wide for a split second. “Like for sex?”Bucky nods. “Yeah.”“You sure?”“No,” Bucky admits. “But I want to try.”Since Bucky has gotten away from Hydra he's made great strides in his recovery. But he still can't shake the feeling that he could regress at any moment, and the nightmares and flashbacks aren't helping. After a visit with his therapist, Bucky comes up with a pretty unconventional way to stop letting his nightmares affect him.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 18
Kudos: 170
Collections: Marvel Reverse Big Bang 2019





	a blade of honey

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, and welcome to our 2019 Marvel RBB entry!  
> Words are by bangyababy  
> Art by CapDeady  
> Beta by yourselenite  
> Title is from "On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous" by Ocean Vuong
> 
> Additional warnings: Bucky takes his own issues out on Steve. Bucky has to safeword out of a scene.
> 
> Huge thank you to CapDeady for creating such an amazing piece of art and being so on board with my idea for it! Of course a big big big thanks to yourselenite for the incredible beta and feedback! 
> 
> I tried to keep this story as realistic as possible. Despite the tag of 'sex as therapy' it's more a means to an end if that makes sense. In other words, this is NOT a magical healing cock fic. This is a fic about Bucky dealing with some of his issues via sex. We hope you enjoy it!

It’s been a year and four months since Bucky came in from the cold and into Steve’s open arms. Bucky still thinks Steve should have been a little more leery of letting Bucky into his life, his home, his _bed_. But from what he can remember of Steve, which varies from day to day, it makes sense that he would wholeheartedly trust Bucky from the get go, even when he was more metal than man. 

Bucky wishes he could trust himself as much as Steve trusts him. 

Truthfully, Bucky understands why Steve trusts him so much because Bucky trusts Steve in the exact same way. He just can’t shake the feeling that Steve _shouldn’t_. How can Steve expect him to act like he isn’t just one trigger word away from attempted homicide at all times? 

Steve likes to point out during the many arguments that it had come up in, that given the chance, and Bucky and the asset had been given multiple, Bucky just won’t do it. 

The same worry comes up on a slightly dreary Thursday morning in fall. Bucky takes special pleasure in the fact that the weather is just as dark as his mood, and tries his best to pick a fight with Steve that Steve seems determined to ignore. Anytime Bucky provokes him he goes on cheerfully with whatever it is he’s doing at that moment. 

“You’re loading that wrong,” Bucky says, a last resort to get Steve mad. They’ve had plenty of heated arguments about loading the dishwasher, mainly that neither of them load it correctly, and at times they’ve almost come to blows over it. It’s a petty argument, but Bucky feels the urge to pick prickling under his skin and he realizes this must be what Steve felt all the time when he was small. 

Steve finally gives him a hard look and Bucky almost smiles. 

Payback is truly a bitch. 

Steve continues to load the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher with a little more force than before and Bucky tries, “You shouldn’t put that pan in there.” 

He watches Steve jam the pan into place before closing the dishwasher and turning to face Bucky, arms crossed over his chest. 

“You gonna tell me what the fuck is going on, or you want me to beat it outta ya?” 

“Was hoping for the second one,” Bucky admits and Steve snorts. 

“Don’t I fucking know it.” Steve leans again the counter, staring Bucky down. “What if I won’t play?” 

Bucky shrugs. “Then I guess you won’t know.”

“Think your therapist might have something to say about how manipulative you’re being?” 

“Think your therapist might have something to say about using my therapy as a tactic in an argument?” Bucky counters, matching Steve’s stance. 

Steve snorts again and rolls his eyes. “I don’t want to fight, Buck.”

“Well, I do!” Bucky snaps, leaping across the room to yank Steve by the collar into his face. “You’re always telling me to say what I want and I want a fucking fight you self righteous asshole, so let’s fucking fight!” 

Steve reaches up, and gently pulls Bucky’s hand away from his shirt, eyes full of sadness. “Honey,” he begins and Bucky lets out an indignant growl and stalks off to his room, slamming the door behind him. 

Bucky throws himself onto his bed and hacks a little when a cloud of dust comes with it. Bucky doesn’t often sleep in “his” room, only when he’s having a particularly bad day and knows that the nightmares he’ll likely have that night will keep Steve awake. He’s been after Steve about returning it to its original state, or originally intended purpose, which was to be a studio. 

But Steve has always insisted that he wanted Bucky to have his own space when it all became too much, and right now Bucky wishes he weren’t so damn grateful for it. Bucky sighs and rolls himself onto his back to look at the ceiling. 

He is well aware of how unfair he is being, but seeing as he was held captive for 70 years, brainwashed, and tortured, he thinks he’s allowed to be a little unfair every now and again. 

But guilt creeps up because he shouldn’t be unfair to _Steve_. Steve’s usually just the closest target, and yeah sometimes he can be absolutely infuriating and sometimes he thinks about all the shit he pulled back in the day and he thinks Steve at least deserves this minor inconvenience. 

But that’s not fair either, and Monica, his therapist, would probably have something to say about him trying to get back at Steve for things that are relatively petty considering the amount of shit he’s been through the last century.

It doesn’t really matter though, because that’s not the problem. The problem, really, is Bucky’s inability to move on from his past in the first place. The problem is Bucky’s stupid fucking good for nothing brain won’t let him live a normal life because it constantly feels the need to remind him that he’s one red notebook away from mass murder and all the things that come with it.

There’s a soft knock on the door and Bucky sighs. 

“It’s open.” 

The door opens, but Steve stays in the door, looking apologetic. Bucky’s anger flares up because Steve has nothing to be sorry for, he wasn’t the one who picked the fight, if it could even be called that. 

“Hey, Buck,” he says softly. 

Bucky sits up and opens his arms. “C’mere, baby.” 

Steve comes without hesitation, crawling into Bucky’s arms. 

“I’m sorry,” Bucky says when Steve settles. “I was outta line.” 

“A little,” Steve admits, “But I forgive you.” 

Bucky squeezes Steve a little closer and his heart could just fucking burst with how much he loves Steve. “Thanks.”

They’re quiet for a while before Steve speaks up again. “Think you could tell me what’s got you so worked up?”

“Nightmare,” Bucky grunts and he feels Steve nod against his shoulder. He waits for Steve to speak, but he never does so Bucky continues. “Been having the same one for the past few days. I’m strapped down on a table, not that one from the war but before they got the chair. Had so much rope on me I looked like one of those dames that got tied to the railroad tracks. They wouldn’t do anything, sometimes. Just tie me down and go on their way. I would pull and pull and sometimes I could break a few ropes, but by then they’d be back to tie me down again. 

“I keep dreaming about those ropes, about how hard I’d push against them just to have them tie me back down.” 

“That’s awful.” 

“It’s dumb but I feel like it’s just some big stupid metaphor for my life now.”

“That’s not dumb,” Steve assures him. 

“I’m just worried that…what if I do all this work and it won’t matter? Every time I think I’m getting somewhere some new thing comes along to tie me down.” 

“Hey,” Steve says softly. “That’s not gonna happen. Know how I know?”

“How?”

“Because you’re not still strapped down to that table, Buck. You’re not in that chair, you’re here with me because you fought.”

“You mean because _you_ fought.” 

Steve sits up quickly so he can look Bucky in the eye. “No. Nothing I did would have meant _shit_ if you hadn’t fought them. And look how far you’ve come in the past year. A year ago you would have never let me this close to you. Hell, six months ago you probably would have took off for a few days after an argument. Now look at you. You got yourself here, Bucky, not me.” 

Bucky swallows around a lump of emotion and nods. “Okay.” 

Steve settles back into Bucky’s arms, but not before pressing a quick kiss to his lips. “Thank you for telling me about it.”

“Thanks for listening,” Bucky replies. 

He does feel better for having told Steve, but he still feels like he shouldn’t be allowed to have this.

—

At his session with Monica, Bucky tells her about the nightmare and the fight with Steve and how he feels like he’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

“That’s normal,” she assures him. “Your dreams are understandable, but you can’t let them have such power over your relationship with Steve.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Bucky snaps. “I just don’t know how to do that.”

Monica looks at him mildly. “Well, what do you do after you have one of these dreams?” 

Bucky frowns as he thinks. “Go for a run. Punch shit. Pick a fight with Steve.” 

“So things that generally have a negative connotation to them?” He supposes that’s true so he nods and she continues. “Well, what if instead of doing something punishing, you did something rewarding? Make it a point to your brain that these dreams won’t keep you down.” 

“Like what?” 

“It could be anything. Eat ice cream, watch your favorite movie, have sex. Just something that makes you feel good.” Bucky must have looked skeptical because Monica continued. “Just give it a try. The worst thing that happens is you eat ice cream or have an orgasm.” 

“I suppose you’re right,” Bucky conceded. 

The rest of the appointment went in a blur and by the time Bucky was on the train home (and really wasn’t that a miracle?) he started thinking about Monica’s idea about not letting a negative thing stay negative. 

Bucky didn’t want to keep fighting with Steve, he didn’t want his nightmares to keep dictating his days, he wanted to _move on_. Monica was right, he had to find a way to get the nightmares to stop having power over his relationship with Steve, he had to stop letting them have power over him. 

As the train screeched to a halt at his stop, a plan began to take shape.

—

“Hey, Steve?” Bucky calls from the living room a few days later. 

“Yeah, Buck?” Steve hollers back and Bucky can tell his head is stuck in the refrigerator. 

“Can you come in here I minute?” 

Steve appears a few moments later, holding an apple, a chicken leg, and a bag of cashews. Bucky raises an eyebrow and Steve frowns. “I’m hungry.” 

“I didn’t say anything.” 

“But you looked it.” 

“It’s just an odd combination is all.” 

Steve huffs. “I need protein.” 

“Course you do, big guy.”

Steve rolls his eyes and says, “Did you call me in here to berate me about my snack choices?”

“No.” Bucky shakes his head. “I wanna talk to you a sec; can you sit down?” Bucky pats the space next to him on the couch. 

Steve takes a bite of his chicken leg suspiciously and finally moves to sit down next to Bucky on the couch. 

“So, what is it?” 

Bucky takes a deep breath and before he can lose his nerve, blurts, “I think…I think I’d like it if you tied me up.” 

Steve’s eyes go wide for a split second and he chokes on his chicken leg, and Bucky can tell he’s trying very hard to speak normally when he says, “Like for sex?” 

Bucky nods. “Yeah.” 

Steve is nodding too, and sets the chicken leg on a napkin on the coffee table. “You sure?” 

“No,” Bucky admits. “But I want to try. Monica says I should try having sex after a nightmare.” 

Steve’s head whips up to look at him. “She _said_ that?”

“Sort of? She said I should try to have a positive experience after a negative one. Sex was one suggestion.” 

“And the tying up?” 

Bucky glances away. “That part was my idea.” 

“But why?” 

“It’s like they say. You can’t let stuff like this have power over you. It’s like exposure therapy.” 

Steve runs a hand through his hair and huffs. “I don’t think that this is what they meant.” 

“Look,” Bucky says, reaching over and taking Steve’s hand in his. “Would it help you to know that I’ve been researching and the idea of it really turns me on?” 

Steve’s eyebrows shoot up. “You have?” 

Bucky nods. “A while ago before we started having sex, I started watching porn to see what I would like. When I saw the videos of the people being tied up or held down…I kinda liked them.” 

“Oh,” Steve says softly.

“Yeah, so I talked to Monica about it.” 

“You did _what_?” 

“I asked her why I would like something like that given the circumstances. She couldn’t really explain it to me, but she did give me some good resources about it. But anyway, the point is that, even though you’d be the one tying me down, I’d be the one in control.” 

Steve furrows his brow at him. “Can I think about it?” 

Bucky nods and knows that’s all he’s going to get out of Steve right now. He never expected anything less, if he was being honest. The last thing Steve would ever willing do is hurt Bucky—even when Bucky asks for it. 

“Of course, baby.” Bucky pulls Steve’s hand up and kisses it. 

Steve smiles at him and blushes a little. “Any chance you’d want to just have regular sex where I don’t tie you up right now?” 

Bucky grins and yanks Steve up and towards the bedroom. 

—

It’s two weeks after Bucky has given Steve the resources that Monica had given him way back when and they’re sitting in a Starbucks when Steve says, “So, I think I’d be okay with tying you up.” 

Bucky nearly inhales his sip of cappuccino and gives Steve a murderous look. “Not that I’m not happy to hear that, do you really think _now_ is the time to talk about this?” 

“Yes,” Steve says with an air of assurance. “Because if we were at home you’d want to do it right now and we need to talk about it first.” 

He huffs. Steve’s right but he can’t fight the smile that works his way onto his lips now that Steve is finally agreeing to Bucky’s admittedly half-cocked plan. 

“You have concerns, mainly that you don’t want to end up hurting me. But I promise Steve, anything you do to me physically can’t hurt me, and anything you do to me emotionally? I know you don’t mean it.”

Steve’s smile is so fond that Bucky rolls his eyes. “Have I ever told you that I love you?” he asks. 

Now it’s Bucky’s turn to smile. “Only about 20 times a day.” 

“Is that all? Should I shoot for 30?” 

Bucky snorts but leans over and kisses Steve softly on the lips. “I love you, too.” Steve is a little starry-eyed and Bucky thinks his heart might burst if Steve keeps looking at him like that so he says, “So what are your terms, punk?” 

Coming back to himself, Steve says, “I want to try it in a non-sexual way first.” 

“What do you mean?”

“A no pressure zone, where we’re just watching TV or something, something small like your wrists.” He reaches out and taps Bucky there. “See how you do with that first, and then we can work our way up to it.” 

“Here I am willing to be at the mercy of your pleasure and you want to tie me up to watch TV,” Bucky groans. “Only you, Steve.” 

“Hey,” Steve says softly, grabbing Bucky’s hand so he’ll look at him. “This isn’t about what I want, Buck. This is about you getting what you need.” 

There’s a lump of something in Bucky’s throat he has to swallow to say, “I know. Thank you.” 

Steve nods and continues. “If all goes well, then we can get to the big stuff. But you have to promise me that you’ll tell me as soon as something doesn’t feel right. At _any_ point you are even remotely uncomfortable, we stop.” 

Bucky frowns. “Of course I’m going to be uncomfortable, Steve, that’s the whole point.” 

Steve looks thoughtful at that and then sighs. “I suppose you’re right.” 

“Look, I promise that I will tell you when I’m scared or I don’t like something, okay? Even if I can tolerate it, but I don’t like it, I’ll tell you?” 

“Okay,” Steve says reluctantly, squeezing Bucky’s hand.

—

To his credit, Seve does remarkably well the first time he ties Bucky up. 

Bucky’s been in a bit of a rough place since yesterday, and he’s tried eating ice cream, buying a new sweater, and Steve had even given him an orgasm or two. It’s good, but he’s still trying to fight his way out of the fog. 

They’re sitting on the couch watching _An Affair to Remember_ because Steve always had a thing for Cary Grant when Steve says in a low, but firm voice, “I’m going to tie you up now.” 

He doesn’t wait for Bucky to respond, and even if he had, Bucky wouldn’t have objected. Instead, he stands up and disappears down the hall towards their bedroom. Bucky pauses the movie and waits with bated breath for Steve to return. 

Steve is moving with more surety than Bucky knows he feels, and for that, he can’t express how grateful he is. He sits down next to Bucky and pulls his hand up so Bucky’s wrists are touching. He leans down and gives each wrist a kiss, looking at Bucky the whole time. Bucky feels a lump of something in his throat but swallows around it, and motions for Steve to get to work. 

Steve is as focused on his task as Bucky is on Steve’s face, a mask of calm concentration and Steve makes quick work of the knot, occasionally glancing up to check if Bucky is alright. Bucky gives him a reassuring smile each time. 

When the knot is tied, Steve brings his conjoined hands up and inspects the knot. “Can you get out of this?” 

Bucky pulls on his wrists. “Definitely. But I won’t.” 

Steve gives him a long look. “But you can if you need to.”

“Yes,” Bucky promises. “But I won’t.” 

Steve looks at him a moment longer before he turns his attention back to the movie. He leans against the armrest and pulls Bucky against his side. Bucky goes willingly. 

As they watch the movie, Bucky’s attention flitters back and forth to his tied wrists, to the solid mass of Steve on his side, to the heat stirring deep within his abdomen. Every once in a while he pulls gently on his wrists, just to feel the material rub and scrape against his skin. 

He thinks about what Steve might do to him when the movie ends. Stand him up and take him to bed, put his hands above his head so he can’t get at Steve. And Steve...he could do whatever he wanted...he always liked to take care of Bucky first, no matter what they were doing in bed, and with Bucky unable to stop him…

Bucky’s mind goes a little hazy with the thought. 

Steve checks in with him periodically, a squeeze here, a press of lips there, but he doesn’t break the quiet by asking aloud. A testament of how much he trusts Bucky and Bucky loves him all the more for it. 

The movie finishes and Bucky has missed the conclusion, but he doesn’t care. He preferred the Irene Dunne version, anyway. He feels a little out of body, tipsy almost, like his limbs are lighter and his mind pleasantly dulled. 

“So?” Steve prompts, and he’s not talking about the movie, Bucky knows. 

Bucky turns his head, the movement feeling syrupy and kisses Steve on the mouth. Steve returns the kiss, gentle, but easily taking control. When they break apart Bucky can feel the dopey smile on his face because it’s matched by the one on Steve’s. 

“Good?” Steve asks and Bucky nods, leaning in to kiss him again. It’s a little deeper this time, a little needier, and Bucky starts to reach for Steve’s waistband, images of his bound hands taking Steve in hand prodding something bold in him. 

But Steve stops him and pulls away. “Ah ah ah,” he chides, then brings Bucky’s hands up and places them behind his head. “Keep ‘em there for me, sweetheart?” It’s not a request not really, but Bucky nods quickly, the sudden limitation of movement pushing him towards a precipice.

Steve smiles sweetly down at him and kisses him once more, his hand traveling down Bucky’s chest and slipping easily into his sweatpants. He grabs Bucky’s dick and Bucky is surprised to find himself fully hard and leaking. Steve thumbs over the slit and Bucky melts. 

Steve jacks him slow and sure, pausing to rub the slit every so often like he knows Bucky likes. He keeps Bucky’s hips from jerking up with one hand, his hand warm on Bucky’s skin, grounding. Steve drops kisses everywhere his lips can reach, and Bucky knows he’s whining and panting with need. Steve’s rhythm is faultless with just enough pressure and speed to keep Bucky hovering on the brink of release. He so wants to take his hand and put it over Steve’s, show him how to do it properly, but his hands are solidly behind his head and he can’t. 

It’s _torture_ and Bucky wants it to never end. 

“Look at you,” Steve whispers right against his ear. “Look how good you’re being for me.” 

Bucky makes a noise he’s sure he’s never made before and he comes, just like that. He can hear Steve chuckling in his ear, but his orgasm is so strong, he can’t focus on it. All there is wave after wave of pleasure, and when the tide has calmed, he still can’t quite find himself. 

He loses time somewhere, but he can hear Steve murmuring to him, soft reassuring little things that make him warm. When he can finally think straight he realizes Steve’s undone his wrists and his currently rubbing his thumb where the ropes had been. 

“Hey there,” Steve says tenderly. “How ya feeling?” 

“Great,” Bucky replies. “Better than.” 

“Seems like it was.” 

Bucky shoves him a bit. “Shut up.” Steve laughs and Bucky continues, “This mean you’ll tie me up all the way next time?” 

“Baby steps, Buck.”

“Steve,” Bucky whines, but Steve cuts him off before he can get his protest out. 

“Don’t. This went well, and we both liked it, but I’m not willing to put you in danger just because it worked this _one time_. You want this, we have to do it right, Buck, or not at all. Not right now, anyway.” 

Bucky can’t really argue with that, and, really, Steve has a solid point. Part of Bucky wants to be angry about it, but right now he feels so good, he can’t find it in him to argue. 

“Okay,” he agrees, quietly. 

Steve smiles at him, but Bucky sees something mischievous in it. “Good boy.” Bucky shudders and he knows he’s been caught. “Now, isn’t that interesting?” 

Bucky fights a blush he knows is rising to his cheeks and tries to squirm out of Steve’s embrace. “Stop that.”

“Nah, I don’t think I will.”

“I wouldn’t be so smug, considering some of the things you like hearing _me_ say,” Bucky shoots back. 

Steve’s smile doesn’t waver, in fact, it gets wider. “C’mon now Buck, are you gonna be good for me?” 

“Fuck off,” Bucky grumbles, but still he knows he’ll go wherever Steve takes them.

—

They try tying Bucky’s wrists again, and again, and again and finally Steve is satisfied that it’s not having any negative impacts on Bucky, and really Bucky is grateful for the extra care. They move onto wrists and ankles, then to tying Bucky to the headboard and footboard. 

It’s not an everyday occurrence, they don’t even limit it to when Bucky’s had a nightmare or is having a hard time, which is really nice. It means Steve gets just as much out of it as Bucky does. 

Bucky’s therapist doesn’t know all the details but she is mostly supportive of the idea, but still a little cautious, for which he can’t blame her. 

But as much as Bucky enjoys what they’re doing, he wants something a little more. He finds out he’s been looking for easily enough, on the first page of a website for bondage gear. He doesn’t tell Steve about his purchase, because he’s worried about what he’ll have to say. He’d rather see it first himself, and then decide if it’s something that he really wants. 

The day the package comes, Bucky immediately heads to the bedroom, closing the door behind him, even though Steve isn’t even home. He opens the box with a quick flick of a knife and stares down at its contents

The restraints are lying unceremoniously at the bottom of the box. With more care than is warranted for the situation, Bucky pulls out the first strap. The smooth nylon is cool against his fingers and he runs his thumb up and down it a little devout. At the time the red color had seemed appropriate and really, seeing them in person, Bucky is glad he went with it. The fastenings are slim buckles and they can be tightened by pulling on the strap. 

They’re perfect. He can’t wait for Steve to get home so they can try them out. 

By the time Steve does get home Bucky is on edge, chubbing up in his sweats with anticipation. There is no modicum of chill when Steve finally does come home. 

“Hey, baby,” Bucky says and he’s on him as soon as the door shuts, pressing a heated kiss to his mouth and grabbing at his hips to pull him closer. 

“Well hello, to you, too,” Steve laughs when Bucky finally lets him come up for air. “To what do I owe this greeting?” And he differently didn’t miss Bucky’s half hard dick pressing into his hip. 

Bucky grins. “I got something today. C’mere.” He tugs Steve into the bedroom. When they’re inside, he scoops up the restraints and shoves them into Steve’s waiting hands. 

“And these are…?”

“Restraints,” Bucky clarifies. “Like a harness.” 

Understanding breaks across Steve’s face and Bucky says, “Baby, please,” before Steve can get a word out. 

“But Buck,” he whispers ignoring Bucky’s pleading eyes, “These are like—”

“I know,” Bucky assures him. “They’re like the ones Hydra used on me, but Stevie, they’re _not_.” 

Steve looks unsure, but finally, he nods once. “Okay, if this is what you want, then I want to give it to you.”

Bucky leans over and pecks him on the mouth. “I do.” 

“You wanna do this right now?” Steve asks against his mouth. 

“Maybe later? I think I’m too keyed up to really get into it right now,” Bucky admits and Steve laughs. 

“Yeah, I can see that.”

“So? What are you gonna do about it, punk?” 

“I can think of something,” Steve replies before dropping to his knees. 

—

Steve tightens the last strap into place and checks in with Bucky. “Where are you, sweetheart?”

“It’s good,” Bucky replies, a little breathless. “I’m green.”

Steve has tied him around his ankles and wrists. He’d pulled Bucky’s arms behind him beforehand, and then bound them into place with two straps across his chest and abdomen. At first, Steve had made them too loose, and Bucky had to practically beg him to make them tighter. 

Now the restraints are biting into his skin, pinching him delightfully. Steve rolls Bucky onto his stomach, and Bucky has no choice but to go. The thought sends a shiver through him. Like this, he’s totally at Steve’s mercy. 

“There’s my good boy,” Steve murmurs as he guides Bucky up into his knees so his ass sticks up high in the air. “Such a pretty sight for me.” Bucky wriggles at the words but doesn’t reply. 

Steve yanks him a little, the restraints digging in a little deeper. Bucky tries to turn his head so he can see Steve but at this angle, with nothing but his own shoulders hold him up, it’s nearly impossible. 

“I see you already prepped for me. That eager, hmm?” Steve asks, but there’s no malice to it. “I bet you can’t wait to have my cock here.” He punctuates the statement by pressing a dry finger into Bucky’s already well lubed hole. 

The reaction is immediate, Bucky clenches down on the finger trying to draw it in and Steve chuckles. Bucky wishes he could see Steve’s face. “Yeah, you’re eager.” Steve pulls his finger out slowly, taking a moment to tease the rim, before pushing back in. 

Steve works him at a steady almost nonchalant pace, and it’s good, for a time. Ever drag of Steve’s finger in him feels magnified, ever puff a breath against his ear when Steve leans over to whisper something to him makes his hair stand on end. 

But then the pace has him too close to a jagged edge, and the rocks are getting closer with each passing second. He needs more but, every time Bucky tries to push back, to get Steve to hurry up to give him what he needs, he can only get so far before he starts to lose balance. The restraints are too tight, and Steve’s fingers are too big, and he can feel Steve’s even bigger cock pressing at his entrance and he’s hot and can’t think straight and all he can do is lay there and take it and fuck, he wishes he could see Steve’s face, just so he knows he’s okay. 

“Bucky?” Steve asks and something clears through the cotton of Bucky’s mind. 

“Red,” Bucky whispers, and Steve is quick to move off of him.

“What do you need?” Steve’s brow is furrowed 

“I-” Bucky begins. “I don’t think I can have you like that like this.” 

“Do you want to stop or try something new?” 

Bucky breathes, thinks, then breathes again. Steve keeps one comforting hand on his back while he works through what he needs. Finally, he says, “I want to stop.” 

“Okay, thanks for telling me.” Steve leans over and kisses Bucky softly on the shoulder. He gets Bucky off his knees, undoes the harnesses, and dumps them on the floor before kicking them under the bed. He grabs a wet wipe from the nightstand and coaxes Bucky onto his side. 

“Steve,” Bucky complains. 

“Hush,” the response is immediate. The wet wipe is cold between his cheeks, but he is grateful to be not quite so sticky there now. Steve tosses the wipe and slides into bed behind Bucky, pulling the covers over them. 

The steady pressure of Steve as his back is wonderful, but still, it’s not enough. As if sensing Bucky’s thought, Steve moves as that he’s on his back and Bucky can lay his head on Steve’s chest and look up at him. 

“You’re alright,” Steve murmurs, rubbing soothing circles onto Bucky’s back. “I’ve got you, honey, you’re okay.” 

Bucky takes a handful of steadying breaths, listening to Steve’s reassurances. 

“It wasn’t the harness,” Bucky says after a while. 

“Then what was it? Do you know?” 

Bucky nods but takes his time replying. “I think when you were going to fuck me. It was too much, I felt too exposed too...helpless,” he finishes lamely. 

Steve kisses his shoulder before he replies, “That’s okay, Buck. We’ll just stick to what we’ve been doing. We don’t need penetration to get off, you know.” 

“I know,” Bucky says quietly. 

“Don’t get in your head about it, sweetheart, it’s okay.” 

Bucky so desperately wants this to be okay. 

—

The thing is, Bucky is in his head about it. He was fine with the ropes, why should the harness be any different? And it wasn’t like they hadn’t had penetrative sex while he was bound before, though, admittedly, the handful of times that had happened occurred when he had some range of motion. 

Bucky _should_ be able to do this. 

He needs to. 

It’s almost a week later when Bucky brings the harness out and hands it to Steve. “I’ve been thinking,” he says. Steve quirks and eyebrow up at him but doesn’t respond, so he forges on. “What if instead of you doing me, I did you?” 

Steve blinks down at the harness as if the material will somehow show him the answer, and Bucky is expecting a push back. What he’s not expecting is for him to nod and say, “All right, Buck, let’s try it.” 

“You mean it?”

“Of course, sweetheart, if that’s what you want.” Bucky nods and so Steve continues. “Go into the bedroom and get undressed for me?” Steve’s commands always sound like a question. They never are, but Bucky likes that Steve gives him that bit of freedom. 

He undresses quickly, tossing his clothes into the closet and closing it before sitting on the edge of the bed and fidgeting with his fingers while he waits for Steve to come in. He tries not to think about what happened last time, but it’s almost impossible not to. 

He wills himself to breathe and focus on the moment he’s in now. Even if something goes wrong, even if he can’t go through with it, they’ll get through it, he tells himself. They always have. 

Steve comes into the bedroom and the air shifts with him. Part of the reason Steve made such a good leader was his ability to quietly command a room. He’s doing that now and Bucky can’t take his eyes off of him. 

Steve comes over to the bed and places himself between Bucky’s thighs, leaning down into his space. He flicks his gaze down to Bucky’s hardening cock and gives a little smirk. “So, sweetheart, are you gonna be good for me?”

Bucky swallows hard and nods, eyes never leaving Steve. 

“Of course you are,” Steve continues, a finger trailing down Bucky’s jaw. “You’re always so sweet for me. You’re wonderful, you know that?” 

He can’t help the whimper that bubbles up in his throat. He’d be embarrassed, but at the moment he just feels too goddamn good. 

“Here’s what I’m gonna do, honey. I’m gonna tie you up on the bed, make sure you’re real comfortable, and then I’m gonna open myself up, let you watch me get myself all open and sloppy for this big, beautiful cock of yours,” he pauses to wrap a hand around Bucky’s shaft. “And then I’m going to ride you. I’m gonna fuck you as hard as I like, for as long as I like, until I’m satisfied. And you? You’re just going to let me, aren’t you, honey?” 

“Yes,” Bucky breathes. “Yes, baby, please, I—”

“Hush,” Steve soothes and moves away. “Stand up for me, will you?” 

Bucky’s on his feet in an instant, the plates in his metal arm whirring quietly as he tries to calm his nerves. Steve gives him a reassuring smile and thanks him. It’s so simple, it shouldn’t make Bucky feel as good as it does. 

Restraints in hand, Steve comes back over to Bucky. He kisses him softly at first, and then it turns demanding. Bucky chases Steve’s tongue as he pulls away. Steve gives him one last kiss before he has Bucky turn around, hands behind his back. 

Bucky quivers at the first touch of nylon on his skin. Steve isn’t exactly gentle as he pulls the strap around his wrists, but it’s a more careful movement, one that’s so far removed from how Hydra would have done it, Bucky wonders how he could have compared the two at all. 

With his wrists tied, Steve brings a strap around his biceps, keeping his arms by his side, then the one around his chest, just below his pecs. Bucky focuses on the sound of the chest strap clicking into place, and he feels a slight tug on his wrists, and Steve binds them to the chest strap. He checks in with Bucky before getting out the harness that resembles a crotchless jockstrap. 

“Green,” Bucky breathes as Steve shows him the harness. Steve kisses him once, before moving Bucky where he needs him to get the harness in place, and then disappearing behind him. The straps squeeze him in all the right places, and Bucky knows Steve likes what they do for his ass, judging on the reverent hand on his right cheek. Steve clicks the last clip into place and gives Bucky’s cheek a small love bite that startles and delights him. 

“Couldn’t resist,” Steve tells him before standing up. “All good, sweetheart?” 

Bucky nods and Steve wastes no time herding him onto the bed and up against the headboard. “Want you to be able to see _everything_.” Steve’s eyes are full of promise, and Bucky is itching for him to fulfill it. Steve straddles him and kisses him deeply. Bucky gives as good as he gets, but Steve quickly takes over, and Bucky is caught in the whirlwind that is Steve Roger’s tongue. 

Sometime during the kiss, Steve actually had managed to tie Bucky to the bed, and when he pulls away, Bucky is surprised that he can’t follow. 

“Uh uh, honey,” Steve chides, “You’re just gonna watch.” 

Bucky can’t find it in him to feel too bad about not being able to reach out for Steve, not while his mind is so pleasantly fuzzy and his skin is so warm and tingly. Steve wants him to watch, and Bucky wants what Steve wants. So Bucky watches as Steve gets off the bed and peels himself out of his clothes, languid and teasing, and Bucky feels himself flush all over when Steve is finally naked, his dick standing at proud attention.

“You like being like this?” Steve asks, approaching the bed. “You like being so sweet for me?” Bucky swallows and nods. “Good,” Steve continues grabbing the lube out of the bedside drawer. “I like you like this, too.” 

Bucky watches rapt as Steve gets back on the bed and turns so his backside is to Bucky. There’s a quiet _snick_ of a cap opening and then Steve is throwing a sultry look over his shoulder that makes Bucky’s breath catch in his throat. Steve folds himself in half, giving Bucky a clear view of his hole, already fluttering with anticipation and at the sight, Bucky’s hard cock starts to weep. 

“Are you watching Bucky?” Steve asks, even though he knows Bucky is. “Look how much I want you,” he says, a finger tracing around his entrance. “I can’t wait to have you inside me,” he pushes the finger in. “I’ll be so full of that big, perfect cock of yours.” He pumps his finger in and out, and Bucky is riveted. 

Steve continues to open himself up with a second finger and then a third, and all the while he tells Bucky how much he wants him, how he can’t wait, how good Bucky will feel, how good Bucky is. Bucky eggs him on with little moans and whispered pleading. He wants too badly to reach out and touch Steve, but the binding on his wrists stops him. He could break them he knows, it wouldn’t even take much, he could probably flex and they’d splinter apart and fall away and he could reach out and grab Steve, place him on his cock where he belongs. 

But he doesn’t, because this is where Steve wants him, and he’s going to be the _best_ for Steve. 

He’s not sure he’s ever felt better. 

Steve pulls his fingers out and turns around climbing up into Bucky’s lap.

“Did you watch me?” he asks. 

“Yes,” Bucky answers with a devotion he feels in his bones. 

“Did you want to touch me?” When Bucky nods Steve says, “But you didn’t, because I told you not to. You were so good for me, honey, I’m so proud of you.” 

He feels tears sting at the corner of his eyes but then Steve’s sinking down on his dick and the only thought Bucky has is yes, yes, _yes_. 

Steve starts off slow, giving them both time to adjust, staving off an untimely end that would leave them both dissatisfied. Steve grinds against him heavy and easy, letting Bucky’s cock drag in and out of him deliciously. 

Bucky looks up at him, eyes clouded with adoration. He thinks briefly about reaching up to cup Steve’s cheek, but the thought leaves as quickly as it comes. This, Steve on top of him, a pleased little smile teasing at his lips, and looking only at Bucky, this is all he needs. 

Gripping at Bucky’s shoulders, Steve begins to fuck him more earnestly. “That’s it, honey, let me have it,” Steve coos, rolling his hips. “You give it to me so good, Bucky, so, so good.” 

Bucky tries his best to jerk up into Steve, to meet him partway but he can’t get the right leverage like this. Instead, Steve moves above him sure and satisfied, taking what he wants from Bucky, and Bucky wants him to, he wants Steve to have whatever he likes. 

Steve rides him hard, his fingers digging Bucky’s shoulders, a different kind of harness. But as much as Steve moves to find his own release, he make sure Bucky is nearing his own. 

“Yes— _fuck_!” Steve pants. “I’m so close. It’s too much, you’re so...God, Bucky, it’s perfect, you’re perfect.” 

His orgasm is as unexpected as it is strong. Bucky loses time somewhere, dimly aware that Steve has come between them. It makes his chest tingle pleasantly. He kisses Steve when Steve presses their lips together, and it feels a bit like how he’d imagined kissing Steve when they were young. 

Bucky floats for a long while, enjoying the sensation of Steve’s hands on him, guiding him, helping him, taking care of him, the sound of his voice whispering soothing little nothings. When he finally feels like he can think clearly, Steve is sitting behind him against the headboard, rubbing his hands up and down Bucky’s arms. He realizes the restraints are gone and Steve has cleaned them both up and surrounded them with their pillows. He sits up startled. 

“Back with me, Buck?”

“Yeah.” Bucky flops back down into Steve’s chest. “Jesus,” he breathes.

“You feel okay?”

“Yeah,” Bucky laughs, twisting so he can look Steve in the face. “Yeah, I feel great.” 

—

It’s been two years and four months since Bucky came in from the cold and into Steve’s open arms. Bucky still thinks Steve should have been a little more leery of letting Bucky into his life, his home, his _bed_.

But Bucky thinks that less and less these days. 

These days Bucky still has nightmares, still goes to see Monica, still tries to pick a fight with Steve when he gets into his own head. But that doesn’t happen as often because these days Bucky knows himself a little better. He understands why Steve trusts him so wholeheartedly, not just because he trusts Steve the same way, but because he’s been able to prove to himself that he can be trusted. 

For the first time in a long time, Bucky’s life is good. _Bucky_ is good. 

He’s still learning, still trying to piece himself back together into something that’s not quite Bucky Barnes before he went off to war, but the Bucky Barnes that came back from the war. 

It’s hard work, but he’s getting there, and Steve is there to hold him down while he does it. 

**Author's Note:**

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